


Conversations With Ghosts

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26289637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: Ava finds herself asking Shannon's ghost for advice
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 27
Kudos: 254





	Conversations With Ghosts

Ava doesn’t know what she is. 

When she was in the orphanage, she knew. She was an orphan, a cripple, a freak. It was easy. That was assigned to her, and she couldn’t really argue the point. But now? Now it’s different. 

Now she’s got a burning hunk of metal in her back. She can walk. She can run. She can pass through walls. She can drink, dance, have sex. She can give someone the finger, with both hands. 

And now she sits in a room that used to belong to someone else, someone who, by all measures, knew what she was. Embraced it. People loved her for it, as far as Ava can tell. 

Shannon had one plant, a little fern in a pot, and Ava doesn’t know what to do with herself, so she waters it. Nothing seems crazy anymore, so she isn’t surprised that she feels like Shannon appreciates the gesture. She lifts the watering can and mumbles, “Hey, you’re welcome.” 

Ava still barely knows her body. Barely knows what it can feel, what it can do. And as for her own heart? You’d think that someone who spent as many years on their back as she did, unable to move, would have spent a lot of time in introspection, but Ava pretty much spent the time walling it off. Who wants to dwell in despair, loneliness, anger? Who wants to deal with any of that now, when she can approach the world with a pretty smile and sarcasm instead? 

She flops down on her back on the bed, sighs out loud, “Shannon, what am I?” 

It almost feels normal that she hears Shannon’s voice in her mind (and yes, she knows it’s Shannon, without being told):  _ You’re the Halo Bearer, whether you like it or not. _

“Yeah,” Ava sighs, “well, I don’t like it. I mean, I like some of the fringe benefits–” She picks up her foot and waggles her toes. “–but it’s a lot of responsibility for someone who has to wear boots because she hasn’t gotten around to learning to tie her own shoes.” 

_ Believe it or not, _ Shannon’s voice says, sounding amused,  _ I didn’t ask for the Halo, either. _

“Really?” 

_ Really. I signed up to serve, but never to lead. I thought I didn’t want that weight on my shoulders. I didn’t think I could carry it.  _

“Huh.” 

The windows are open, and the breezes stir. Ava almost thinks she can see Shannon, sitting at the foot of the bed. Not really, but it’s like an itch in the back of her vision that she can’t quite scratch. 

“Well, I think I’m committed to this whole thing, even though I don’t know if I’m really up to it. Also, I’m probably going to Hell.” 

She can feel Shannon’s amusement at this.  _ As Mary would tell you, welcome to Catholicism, don’t Google us. _

Ava snorts. “Mary told me you were funny.” She sighs, and rolls onto her side, lets the sun warm her face. Everything is still new; fresh air, sun, conversations. Good food. 

_ I’m not funny. I’m hilarious. _

Something else is on Ava’s mind. “Look, how can I fight in God’s name if I’m full of what all those dudes in dresses would definitely consider sin?” 

_ All have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God. _

“Yeah, yeah, okay. But. I’m worried. What if I’m not good enough? What if I drag everyone else down with me?” 

Ava rubs her eyes. In that strange, itchy, hard to get at place, she can see, or at least perceive, Shannon looking at her with sympathy. _ What are you really worried about, Ava? _

Ava sighs. “I don’t know what I am, in a lot of ways, you know, but… that includes… well, love, right? I never had the chance till now to even think about or explore or try anything, figure anything out about what I like or who I might love, and… I think I have… feelings for Beatrice.” 

_ You could do worse. She’s special.  _

“Well, duh. She’s amazing. But I’m pretty sure the Catholic Church feels some type of way about lady lovin’, and…” She trails off, frustrated. “I think she feels it too, what we have. We connect in a way that I can’t even…” She pounds a fist into the overly firm mattress. “Dude. Your mattress is so freaking hard, how did you sleep on this thing?” 

_ Ascetic warrior nun. Catch up, will you?  _

“Anyway, I… there was this guy, and we got a little freaky one time, and he was super nice, and I thought maybe I loved him, but… but this is different. I… she’s so much more badass than me, in a million different ways, but I feel like I want to protect her. Isn’t that crazy?” 

_ Not at all. You want to protect her heart. You recognize all the hurt and loneliness, and you want to be her refuge. That’s love, actually.  _

“So what am I supposed to do with that? I mean, even if it is love, that’s not… she took vows, right? I don’t want to…” Ava struggles here. This language isn’t really her own, it feels weird and wrong in her mouth. “...make her impure or whatever. I don’t even wanna give her my… my sinner cooties, you know?” 

_ You know, Mary was a lot like you. An outsider who just happened to be what we needed at the right moment. She was afraid to love me at first, just like you are now with Beatrice. Afraid she was going to sully me, or wreck me, and I don’t mean either of those in the fun way. Honestly, I didn’t make it easy for her. I worried about my soul, my purity, all of that. But never for a moment did I regret loving her, or letting her love me.  _

“Sullying her and wrecking her, thank you for putting that in my head,” Ava grumbles. Now her monkey brain is anxious to know what that might mean, what it might be like. “Dammit. I love her, Shannon. And I want, you know, everything that comes with that.” 

Beatrice’s face, her gentle smile, the warmth in her eyes that Ava knows,  _ knows _ nobody else gets to see, are all that Ava can think of now. 

_ Let her make the decision whether she wants your sinner cooties or not. Protecting her heart doesn’t mean taking away her agency. _

Ava groans. “Am I up to this, Shannon? I assume you’ve been following me around since I got this thing, so what do you think?” 

_ I think you love her, and that that might be enough to make it work any way you need to. _

“Should I tell her?” 

_ Maybe not right now. Your plate’s a little full.  _

“Okay.” Ava knows Shannon is right. A thought occurs. “Hey, if you’ve been around this whole time, does that mean you were in here when I masturbated the other night?” 

_ No. I went for a walk when I realized what you were doing.  _

“I don’t believe you.” 

_ Believe me. The minute I heard you mutter Beatrice’s name, I was out.  _

Ava chuckles. “Sorry. If I knew you were here I would have given you a little more warning.” 

_ If you listen more, I can help you more. It’s really up to you.  _

“Thanks,” Ava says. “God knows, I can’t do any of this Halo stuff by myself. And uh, if it ever does happen with Beatrice, can you give me some sex advice? Because I really am out of my depth on the whole lesbian activity thing.”

Shannon doesn’t say anything. Ava sighs. It was asking too much, she guesses. 

A knock comes a moment later. “Ava?” It’s Beatrice. 

Crap, Ava thinks. “Yeah, come in.” 

Beatrice pushes the door open, tilts her head to one side as she looks at Ava sprawled on the bed. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah. Just uh, thinking about some stuff.” 

“Anything you want to discuss?” Beatrice looks concerned. 

Her eyes, Ava thinks incoherently. Her lips. Her skin. “No, not at the moment. Maybe later.” 

Beatrice looks skeptical, but she gives Ava a small smile. “Come on. We’re going to Arq-Tec.” 

Ava sits up. “You uh, didn’t hear me babbling out loud a minute ago, did you?” 

Beatrice’s smile is suspiciously just a little too beatific. “Of course not. Not a word.”


End file.
